I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
