I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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