Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
