I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
