but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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