it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
