he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
