You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I lost the right to judge tonight
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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