if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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