dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
