when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
