Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
