why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
