I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
