my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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