I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
