I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
