Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
