things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
