____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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