well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
