You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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