..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
