Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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