I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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