One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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