Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize