i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
