The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
