Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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