Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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