I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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