omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
