It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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