is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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