Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
