And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
