Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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