my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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