do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
and she was petting her beer can
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
