a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
