i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
