you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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