i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
