I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
