I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
she peed on how many people?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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