Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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