i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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