so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My liver just had a heart attack.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
