3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Randomize
