Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
